Let’s take a minute to escape the humdrum banality of transfer-rumour madness to consider something of a far more serious matter. I can’t stress how many sleepless nights I’ve lost to this topic and so finally, in an attempt at some form of catharsis, I’ve assembled my thoughts into the form of written words, themselves grouped to form sentences. I should hope that the following will act as therapy to those whom this issue has also been so troubling.
Thomas Vermaelen would be…
Ser Barristan Selmy
It seems only right to start with our captain. Vermaelen, like Selmy, enjoyed a fantastic start to his career. He was impervious in defence and attacked with bravery and panache when called upon. Overall, a classy customer who was feared up and down the land. Then something went wrong. Vermaelen found himself threatened and in the same way as Barristan the Bold, was ousted from his position of importance. We all know that he’ll return to greatness, but will he have to follow the steps of Selmy and go elsewhere to achieve it?
Wojciech Tomasz Szczęsny would be…
Though not born of House Arsenal, Wojciech has been a loyal servant to the club from a very early age in much the same way that Greyjoy nobly served House Stark of Winterfell for many a year. Both Greyjoy and Szczęsny often speak before they think, yet are clearly gifted and able. Despite this, they often seem overly cocksure of their own ability. Both could do with knuckling down and letting their swords/hands do the talking.
Laurent Koscielny would be…
Kos, like the incestuous son of Tywin, found himself exiled for a time during the campaign just passed. Despite this, we saw flashes of the brilliance that make him one of the tidiest
Knights defenders in the land. Knows how to get stuck in but has that certain je ne sais quoi which renders him different from the majority. Cool as a cucumber at all times. He’s the guy that you really hate if he isn’t on your side.
Per Mertesacker would be…
Ser Gregor Clegane
Funnily enough, I have often heard fans on the terraces refer to Per as ‘The Mountain That Moves’. Whilst he may not say much, Clegane is a frightening customer to come up against. Strong, composed and fucking tall, both Clegane and Mertesacker defend the realm/goal with little fuss.
Additionally, the two seem to have a penchant for merciless torture by fire – The Hipster has it on good authority that it was in fact Mertesacker who caused Carlos Tevez’s devastating facial burns. If you believe the rumours, Per came to blows with Tevez in a Burger King whilst on a family holiday in Buenos Aires many years ago. The Argentine allegedly referred to the German defender as ‘el hombre jirafa desgarbado’ – roughly translated to ‘the lanky giraffe man’. Incensed and in a fit of rage, Mertesacker threw Tevez over the counter and slammed his face onto the nearest grill, holding it in place until it was left looking like that of ‘The Hound’ Sandor Clegane.
Kieran Gibbs would be…
Gibbs has been around for some time now and is still some way to fulfilling the initial potential we all saw in him as a youngster. Has the capacity to do great things, but like poor Brann finds himself debilitated on a fairly routine basis. Though Gibbs may lack a half-giant to carry him upon his back, the treatment table at Colney has been a sturdy companion for the past few years. If he can rise above the persistent niggles that so often plague him, he could go on and emulate the supremacy and prowess of his
father international superior.
André Clarindo dos Santos would be…
Andre, of House Santos, eater of donuts and Head Jester to the realm. Fat, irksome and completely pointless. Samwell’s lineage may be fairly esteemed, but like Santos his presence adds no purpose other than to irritate. Even a spell of complete exile in
the Night’s Watch Brazil couldn’t detract from what a useless berk the guy is. Like a bad smell, he seems determined to stick around. The army beyond the wall cannot arrive soon enough.
Jack Wilshere would be…
From a very early age both Robb and Jack were destined to do great things. Both became fearless and respected warriors before adulthood. Intelligent and astute tactically but also regarded as one of the toughest in a battle. Named by all his followers as the King of the North (of London).
Mikel Arteta Amatriain would be…
Though he may not be as magnificently coiffured as our fine Spanish lynchpin, Bronn shares similarities to Mikel, first of his name. Both have been around the block and are experienced, composed and confident. Both are incredibly reliable in a battle. Both had an incredibly rough child and killed for the first time before the age of twelve.
Santiago “Santi” Cazorla González would be…
Ser Loras Tyrell
There’s a reason this dude is nicknamed ‘the Knight of Flowers’. All the guys want to be him and all the girls want to bone him. Saying nothing of his sexual persuasion, Santi is perfectly matched to Ser Loras. They’re both extravagant, tricky and skilful with a natural flair and exuberance. Both are going to grow into their roles and get better and better. I would genuinely love for Nike to feature a plaid of flowers somewhere on our next away strip, just to see Cazorla rock it. That or a cape. There are far too few capes in the Premier League.
Lukas Josef Podolski would be…
Unquestionable quality, yet still something of an enigma. Both Lukas and Jorah have fantastic CV’s, but both find themselves in something of a quandary, not entirely sure what their position is. Once this can be decided, there is no doubt that both men will reign supreme. How long this process will take remains to be seen.
Gervais Lombe Yao Kouassi would be…
During his period across the narrow sea, Gervinho, like the fearless Khal himself, was an impressive species to be marvelled at. However, Khal Drogo’s fatal flaw is his fear of the sea, whereas Gervinho’s fatal flaw is his fear of the goalmouth. Because of this fear, the directness that characterises Gervinho’s play seems to all but vanish at the first sight of goal.
Phew. I’m glad I could get all that off my chest. It’s a great relief.